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Dave Thaler's avatar

There is an elegance to deconstruct, construct, and dissolve that resonates with me, perhaps because something emotionally similar happened to me following my NDE.

Much of what I had accepted as fact suddenly became provisional, but the lasting lesson was not that I had discovered a better explanation of reality; if anything, it taught me not to fall in love with my conclusions.

During my NDE, there came a point where I literally reached my Point of Return, the proverbial shit or get off the pot.

I was floating upwards and could now see (?) the curvature of the earth meet the cold outer space.

I knew I reached the barrier between life and death, where the atmosphere meets space, where Martha and the Muffins found theirs at Echo Beach, or even where Styx finds theirs while sailing... where the ocean meets the sky.

I immediately began to panic; fear had taken hold, and I wasn't ready.

I believed that continuing meant the end of my human life, and my immediate concern was my mother.

She had already lost one child, my sister, to cancer at twenty-one, and I could not bear the thought of leaving her to lose her only other.

And then came the reassurance.

As I experienced it, it was a voice and I was assured that my mother was supported and would continue to be supported, that others would care for her if I continued on my path.

My mission was complete, and I could return home.

I don't know what would have happened had I continued.

I don't know what the voice was.

I don't know what the experience ultimately represents.

But I do know where my certainty, my ability to control ended.

It ended at that boundary, the ultimate test of trust.

No more visions of Jesus, Mother Mary or any other symbol of intervention for that matter.

And there, for perhaps the first time in my life, need and trust met

Need said that someone I loved required me to remain.

Trust asked whether I could accept that love and care did not depend upon me alone.

I returned, but I brought that question with me.

Thanks to you, Glenn, I have only recently come to understand what that reassurance was asking of me.

Trust, not merely trust in whatever lay beyond the boundary, but a much deeper trust.

Trust that I could relinquish my own perceived necessity.

Trust that others could love, support and carry my mother, even if or when I could no longer do so.

Trust that I did not have to control the outcome for her to be held.

I still chose to return, but that choice has bothered me, and perhaps that is why I hesitate to turn the experience into a metaphysical conclusion.

Perhaps that is why your words about trust resonate so strongly now, all these years later.

The experience did not give me a doctrine about what lies beyond the boundary

If anything, it left me suspicious of doctrines that claim to know.

It gave me something quieter:

the recognition that trust begins precisely where my ability to know, manage and control the outcome ends.

Perhaps trust itself is another word I should hold lightly. It is the best symbol I have right now for what happened at that boundary, but I cannot know whether it is the thing itself.

And perhaps that is the closest I can come to describing what my experience taught me without turning the experience itself into another conclusion I need to be true.

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